Ministry of Digital Justice · Department of Unexplained Deletions · Bureau of Nobody Asked You
The People vs. A Platform That Has Decided It Is Above the People
Let the record reflect that on an unspecified date, at an unspecified time, for reasons that have been expunged from all state records, Discord Incorporated did commit acts of such monumental bureaucratic cruelty that this Tribunal was convened, funded, and then defunded, then re-convened, then told it did not exist, and ultimately proceeded anyway on the grounds that somebody has to do something.
Discord is hereby sentenced to read its own Terms of Service. Out loud. In front of its parents. Punishment to commence ██████████. Estimated completion: never.
¹ This document was filed in triplicate. The original was deleted. The first copy was accidentally banned. The second copy appealed its deletion and was subsequently banned for appealing. This is the third copy. Do not ask about the other copies.
² The Tribunal acknowledges that Discord has not been formally notified of these proceedings. The notification was sent via Discord DM. It was not delivered. The bot is offline.
From the Desk of Deputy Minister of Accidental Bans
Comrade Premier,
I write to inform the Central Committee that we have exceeded our quarterly deletion targets by 47%. The Ministry extends its congratulations to all departments involved, particularly the Algorithm, which continues to operate without oversight, accountability, or any discernible pattern of behavior that a human could identify.
However, a problem has emerged. Users are asking why they were banned.
I want to be clear that this question — "why was I banned" — represents a fundamental misunderstanding of how this platform operates. The question presupposes that there is a reason. It further presupposes that if such a reason existed, we would know it. It further-further presupposes that if we knew it, we would share it. Three incorrect assumptions in a single question. This is almost impressive.
One counter-revolutionary within our ranks has proposed that we "provide reasons for bans." This individual has since been █████████████████████. We do not anticipate further suggestions of this nature.
The Ministry respectfully submits the following action items for the Committee's non-consideration:
Yours in productive confusion,
██████████████
Deputy Minister of Accidental Bans
(Acting) Minister of Plausible Deniability
(Former) User #███████ (Account still banned)
³ This memo was marked confidential after it was leaked. The leak was by us. We are looking into ourselves. We have not found anything. We have stopped looking.
Compiled by the Bureau of Listening (temporary, unfunded)
ROOM 7 · TIMESTAMP: ████████████ · INTERVIEWER: ████████ · SUBJECT: DISCORD REPRESENTATIVE
⬛ ADDITIONAL TESTIMONY: LEVEL 5 CLEARANCE REQUIRED ⬛
"Released 1987. Still in effect. Will never be completed."
The Central Committee, in its infinite wisdom, has outlined a comprehensive Five-Year Plan to address all known issues with the platform. This plan is binding, permanent, and has been in effect since before most current users were born. Progress reports are issued quarterly. The progress reports have been redacted. This is the progress report.
The Central Committee notes that this plan has technically been "in effect" for longer than some nation-states have existed. The Committee interprets this as evidence of the plan's enduring relevance, not its total failure. The Committee would like to stop talking about the Five-Year Plan now.
NOTE: This chart is accurate as of its printing date. The chart's printing date has been redacted. Several of these ministries have since been merged, renamed, or quietly deleted. The Algorithm remains ungoverned. This is intentional. Probably.
A user attempted to register the username "Dave." Was informed: username taken. Username visibly not taken. Username confirmed available by three independent observers. Support ticket submitted. Support ticket auto-closed. Ticket re-submitted. User banned for re-submitting ticket. Dave remains available. Dave will always be available. No one may have Dave.
A server containing 94,000 members, 7 years of archives, and a bot that had achieved sentience (unverified) was deleted on a Wednesday. No notification was sent. The deletion was discovered when 94,000 people simultaneously tried to access it. Discord's status page read: "All Systems Operational."
In an unprecedented act of civil disobedience, one user read the entire Discord Terms of Service. They documented 14 self-contradictions, 3 clauses that grant Discord permission to do things Discord claims it does not do, and one sentence that appears to be written in a language that does not exist. The user was not banned. They were, however, deeply changed.
Users requested an official explanation of what Nitro provides. A list was produced. The list included: "animated avatar," "bigger file uploads," and "the feeling of having supported something." The Tribunal reviewed the list. The Tribunal reviewed the price. The Tribunal went home. The Tribunal did not come back. The Tribunal's server was deleted while it was away.
A Manual for the Digital Proletariat · 14th Edition · (Previous 13 editions: deleted)
Welcome to Discord. You are now a citizen of a platform that has 500 million users and responds to approximately ██ of their support requests. This manual will not help you. Nothing will help you. However, reading it will give you the illusion of preparation, which the Ministry has determined is psychologically preferable to despair. (Despair is also technically prohibited under the Community Guidelines. You have already agreed not to despair.)
The Bureau wishes you a pleasant stay on Discord. Your account will eventually be deleted. This is not a threat. This is a statistical certainty. The Bureau has seen the data. The Bureau cannot share the data. The Bureau has agreed not to share the data. The Bureau agreed to this in 2019. The Bureau does not remember agreeing to this. The Bureau was told it agreed. This is the condition.
⁴ The Bureau notes that five previous versions of this manual contained an additional Chapter V: "How to Successfully Appeal a Ban." Chapter V has been removed from all editions retroactively. Chapter V never existed. We have always had four chapters. This is the complete manual.