⚠ BREAKING: snap install firefox β€” estimated time: 47 seconds     β˜… Ubuntu Edge crowdfunding: $12.8M raised, $32M needed, 100% refunded     πŸ“¦ Your apt package has been replaced by a snap. Resistance is futile.     πŸ’° Mark Shuttleworth spent $20M to go to space while Canonical posted losses for 15 consecutive years     πŸ† Unity 8 abandoned after 4 years of development     πŸ“± Ubuntu Phone: 2013-2017 RIP     πŸ‘₯ "The logo is 3 people holding hands" β€” Canonical PR     🐌 snap daemon is using 300MB RAM doing absolutely nothing     ☁️ Canonical now pivots to cloud (again)    
Est. 2004 Β· Still Figuring It Out

LINUX
FOR HUMANS
WHO HATE
THEMSELVES

Welcome to Ubuntu β€” the operating system that replaced your reliable package manager with a sandboxed 400MB Chromium snap, searches your files on Amazon, and cancels every product it ships. Also: our logo is three people holding hands. Just hands.

Snap Packagesβ„’ β€” A Love Story

YOUR APT IS GONE.
LONG LIVE SNAP.

In 2016, Canonical invented a new package format that is objectively worse in every measurable way β€” but now it's mandatory, and the Snap Store backend is proprietary. Enjoy!

🐌

BLAZING PERFORMANCE

Firefox snaps now launch in only 12 seconds on a modern NVMe SSD. This is because snaps mount a squashfs filesystem every single time. It's a feature. apt's Firefox launched in 1.2 seconds but who's counting.

πŸ“¦

EACH APP SHIPS ITS OWN GLIBC

Why share system libraries when every snap can bundle its own copy of half the C standard library? Your 256GB SSD is now 60% chromium dependencies. Chromium also auto-updates at 3am with no way to disable it.

πŸ”’

CLOSED SOURCE STORE

Snaps are open source! The snap format is open source! The Snap Store itself? Entirely proprietary. You cannot run your own without reverse-engineering. RMS was right. We just didn't listen.

πŸ’½

MANDATORY REPLACEMENT

In Ubuntu 22.04, apt install firefox silently installs a snap instead. You did not consent to this. You cannot easily prevent this. This is what Canonical means by "linux for humans."

πŸ”„

SNAPD: ALWAYS RUNNING

snapd is a daemon that runs 24/7, consumes RAM, hits Canonical's servers regularly, and cannot be removed without breaking core system utilities. Think of it as a friendly tenant you can never evict.

πŸ—‚οΈ

/dev/loop MASSACRE

Every installed snap mounts as a separate loop device. Install 8 snaps, get 8 entries in df -h and lsblk. Your sysadmin coworkers will weep. df now requires a scroll wheel.

The Museum of Pivots

A PROUD HISTORY
OF ABANDONMENT

2010 β€” 2017
UNITY DESKTOP

Canonical decided GNOME wasn't good enough and built their own desktop shell from scratch. Invested years of developer time, alienated the Ubuntu community, then announced in 2017 they were switching back to GNOME. "We are not giving up." β€” Mark Shuttleworth, days before giving up.

YEARS WASTED: ~7 Β· GOODWILL LOST: IMMEASURABLE
2013 β€” 2017
UBUNTU PHONE & UBUNTU TOUCH

Remember when Canonical was going to converge your phone and desktop into one glorious unified OS? The BQ Aquaris. The Meizu MX4. The dream of "convergence." All abandoned in 2017. The community now maintains it as UBports because someone had to.

DEVICES SHIPPED: ~4 Β· USERS: DOZENS
2013
UBUNTU EDGE β€” $32M CROWDFUND FAILURE

Canonical announced a superphone crowdfunding campaign requiring $32 million β€” the largest Indiegogo campaign ever attempted at the time. They raised $12.8 million. The campaign failed. All backers refunded. Mark flew to space around this time, which cost roughly the same amount.

RAISED: $12.8M OF $32M Β· SHIPPED: 0 UNITS
2010 β€” 2012
AMAZON SEARCH LENS (AKA THE SPYWARE ERA)

Ubuntu 12.10 Unity shipped with a "shopping lens" that sent your desktop search queries to Amazon and displayed ads in your file manager. Richard Stallman called it spyware. The EFF called it a privacy violation. Canonical called it a "great shopping experience." It was eventually removed in 2016 after sustained community outrage.

TRUST DESTROYED: SIGNIFICANT Β· AMAZON REVENUE: NEGLIGIBLE
2013 β€” 2017
MIR DISPLAY SERVER

The Linux world needed a new display server. The community was building Wayland. Canonical decided to build their own called Mir, creating a split that set Linux desktop development back years. After Unity was cancelled in 2017, Mir development was wound down for desktop use. Ubuntu now uses Wayland. The one everyone else was already building.

DUPLICATE EFFORT: 100% Β· ADOPTION: NEAR ZERO
2004 β€” PRESENT
CANONICAL: THE COMPANY THAT DOESN'T PROFIT

Canonical Ltd. reportedly did not turn a profit for approximately 15 years of its existence, sustained largely by Mark Shuttleworth's personal fortune. The man sold his internet company Thawte for ~$575 million in 1999, paid $20 million to become a space tourist in 2002, then spent the next two decades funding a Linux company as a hobby. He is the VC and the startup simultaneously.

YEARS UNPROFITABLE: ~15 Β· FOUNDER NET WORTH: FINE, ACTUALLY
Monetisation Strategy

YOUR OS IS
A STOREFRONT

Ubuntu innovated by understanding that the desktop is not just a computing environment β€” it's a revenue opportunity. Here's how your "free" OS earns its keep.

Ubuntu Dash β€” Home Lens

You searched: "my tax documents"

πŸ›’

Amazon: Tax Document Organizer SPONSORED

Sponsored result from Amazon.com. Your search query was transmitted to Canonical servers, then to Amazon's advertising API.

πŸ“„

tax_return_2023.pdf

Local file result. Found in ~/Documents. Shown below the Amazon ad.

πŸ›οΈ

Accordion File Folder β€” 13 Pockets SPONSORED

Canonical receives a small affiliate commission. Linux for Humansβ„’.

Ubuntu Proβ„’ β€” Subscription Nag

Security notices now appear in apt upgrade output urging you to subscribe to Ubuntu Pro for security patches that used to be free.

πŸ”

1337 additional security updates available PRO ONLY

Packages like curl, vim, and openssl have known CVEs. Subscribe to Ubuntu Pro (free* for personal use) to receive patches.

πŸ’³

Ubuntu Pro: $25/month/machine ENTERPRISE

*Free tier limited to 5 machines. Because your homelab has 6. We counted.

Privacy Policy (The Fun Part)

WHAT WE COLLECT

Ubuntu collects system data by default. You can opt out. Somewhere. In a submenu. During install. If you read the small text. We believe in transparency.

Data Point Collected? Sent Where Can You Opt Out? Notes
Hardware specs (CPU, RAM, GPU) YES Canonical servers During install only To "improve Ubuntu". They mean marketing segmentation.
Installed packages list YES Canonical servers Somewhere in Settings So Canonical knows you replaced Firefox snap with Firefox deb.
Desktop search queries (2012–2016) YES (historical) Amazon / Canonical Opt-out added after backlash The classic. The original sin. The Amazon lens.
Snap package usage data YES Canonical snap store Unknown / unclear snapd phones home. How often? Good question.
Ubuntu Pro activation & machine data YES Canonical / Ubuntu One You need an account Free tier requires creating a Canonical account. Cool.
Your dignity YES Undisclosed No Collected at time of installing snap Firefox.
The Founder

MARK
SHUTTLEWORTH

"I think the desktop is dead. We are building Ubuntu for the cloud. Also for phones. Also for convergence. Also for IoT. Also we just went back to GNOME. The vision remains unchanged."
β€” MARK SHUTTLEWORTH (PARAPHRASED, BUT ESSENTIALLY ACCURATE)
  • Sold his company Thawte Consulting to VeriSign in 1999 for approximately $575 million. Has been funding Ubuntu ever since.
  • In 2002, paid the Russian space agency ~$20 million to become the second paying space tourist in history. Returned to Earth. Founded Canonical 2 years later.
  • Is simultaneously the founder, major investor, and CEO of Canonical β€” ensuring all product decisions (Unity, Mir, Ubuntu Phone, snap) could be made without a board saying "are you sure?"
  • Once described critics of the Amazon Lens as having "the F/OSS community's capacity for negativity." The feature was later removed.
  • Canonical finally reported its first profit around 2019–2020, roughly 15 years after founding. The party was reportedly understated.
  • Ubuntu is now genuinely used on millions of servers worldwide and is the most popular Linux distro on cloud platforms. This is the part that actually worked.

LINUX FOR HUMANS LINUX FOR PEOPLE WHO ENJOY
DEBUGGING THEIR FILE MANAGER

"Linux for Humans" β€” the tagline that launched a thousand forum posts asking why apt install firefox is now a snap that takes 15 seconds to open.

⚠ SATIRE NOTICE: This website is a parody for entertainment purposes. All facts referenced are based on real, documented events in Canonical Ltd.'s history β€” the Amazon Lens, Unity's cancellation, Ubuntu Phone, the Edge crowdfunding, snap controversies, and Ubuntu Pro upselling are all real. The Ubuntu logo does depict three stylized figures in a circle. We leave the interpretation to you. Ubuntu is also, genuinely, a solid operating system used by millions. This is the contradictory truth of Canonical: real failures, real corporate weirdness, and also a real product that many people love. Except for snap Firefox. That one is just slow.