Deliver to 📍 Your exact GPS coordinates (we know)
Hello, Sign in (we'll remember your card number)
Returns & Disappointments
Prime $139/yr (hard to cancel)
🛒
3
Cart
📦 SHIPPING: Your "2-day delivery" item ships from a warehouse 3 miles away in 11 days 💼 BREAKING: Amazon copies another successful 3rd-party seller product and lists it for less as "Amazon Basics" ⭐ REMINDER: 47% of Amazon reviews are fake. The ones saying "great product!" were written in bulk at $0.03 each 🚽 WAREHOUSE NEWS: Workers now allowed 1 bathroom break per 10-hour shift (improvement from 2022) 📱 ALEXA UPDATE: We definitely didn't record that private conversation. Definitely. 💰 WEALTH: Jeff Bezos earns your annual salary every 11.5 seconds 🌳 SUSTAINABILITY: We shipped your USB cable in a box the size of a filing cabinet ☁️ AWS: us-east-1 is degraded again. Half the internet is down. Working on it™
🎉 Prime Day — Every Day Apparently

Welcome to Amazin™
We Sell Everything.
Including Your Soul.

From books to groceries to film studios to satellites to your neighborhood pharmacy to your home security to your cloud infrastructure to your entire economy — we're just a humble little bookshop that got a bit carried away.

*Cancelling Prime requires: Settings → Account → Prime → Manage Membership → End Benefits → Are You Sure? → Yes, Really → We're Sad → Confirm → Wait 30 Days → Re-confirm → Sorry To See You Go → Re-subscribe survey → Confirm Cancellation → Done (maybe).
By clicking anything you agree to our 94-page Terms of Service and authorize us to sell your purchase history to 800 data brokers.
🔥 Today's Deals — "Up to 60% Off"* See all deals (mostly things you'd never buy)

*Discount calculated from a fake "list price" we invented last Thursday. Original price valid for 6 hours in 2019.

🎧
-73%
⚡ DEAL
SONKOO Wireless Earbuds Pro Max Ultra Bluetooth 5.3 ANC IPX7 Hi-Fi Deep Bass 60H Playtime Touch Control LED Display - Black (2024 Upgraded) [Not AirPods]
★★★★☆ 47,291 (mostly purchased)
$18.99 $69.99 Save 73%
FREE delivery tomorrow(if stars align)
Ships from: SHKNZ Direct US Warehouse (which is in NJ but ships from Shenzhen)
amazin's choice
🔌
-40%
Amazin Basics USB-C Cable 6ft [Copied from Anker's best-seller in 2021, slightly worse, $3 cheaper]
★★★★★ 312,048 ⚠️ Reviews from discontinued model
$7.99 $13.99
FREE delivery in 1–3 weeks (Prime)
Subscribe & Save: 5% off + locked into monthly shipments forever
🧴
⚡ 2 HRS LEFT
Vitamin C Serum ORGANIC NATURAL VEGAN CRUELTY-FREE DERMATOLOGIST TESTED CLINICALLY PROVEN HYPOALLERGENIC PARABEN-FREE Anti-Aging Wrinkle [the actual product: water + niacinamide]
★★★★★ 98,441 ⚠️ Incentivized reviews detected
$24.95 $89.99 72% off
Fastest delivery: Never
📚
Kindle
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Kindle Edition) — You don't own this. You are licensing the right to read it until we remove it from your device without notice.
★★★★☆ 142,002
$13.99 $16.99 (library: free)
⚠️ DRM-protected. Cannot be resold, gifted, or read after account termination.
🎮
Same Product as the One Next to It — Listed by a Different Seller at $4 More for No Reason (Bundle with Warranty You'll Never Claim)
★★★☆☆ 3 (all 5-stars, all posted today)
$22.99
Ships in: 3–8 weeks from "US Warehouse" which is actually fulfillment via aliexpress
🌡️
Amazin Smart Thermostat — Requires Alexa. Collects room temperature, occupancy patterns, sleep schedule, and "behavioral data." We use this for ads.
★★★★☆ 21,880
$79.99 $129.99
FREE delivery
⚠️ Requires app, Wi-Fi subscription, Alexa, and acceptance of Smart Home Surveillance addendum
🛒 Checkout — Almost Done! (Just a Few Questions)

We've pre-selected some options we think you'll love. Feel free to uncheck them all — after reading each one carefully in 6pt font.

Subscribe & Save: Enroll in monthly auto-delivery of this item Pre-checked. Saves you 5%. Charges your card every 30 days forever. Cancel by navigating to: Account → Subscriptions & Savings → Manage → Cancel → Confirm → Survey → Re-confirm. Or just let it run. It's fine.
-$0.89/mo
Add Amazin Protection Plan™ — 2 Year Accident Coverage Pre-checked. Coverage excludes: accidents, spills, drops, power surges, normal wear, acts of nature, and "user misuse" (everything). Also: costs more than replacing the item.
+$18.99
Start your FREE Amazin Prime 30-day trial Pre-checked. Free for 30 days, then $14.99/month ($139/year) automatically billed until cancelled. Cancellation process: 11 steps, 3 confirmation emails, and a pop-up quiz about why you're leaving.
$0 → $14.99/mo
Share your purchase history with Amazin Advertising Partners Pre-checked. Your data is shared with 1,200 advertising partners so they can show you ads for items you already bought. Unchecking this does nothing. We checked.
FREE (for us)
Opt out of selling my personal data to third-party brokers This checkbox is unchecked by default. It is also in a different visual language. In grey. At the bottom. After you've already agreed to everything above. Purely decorative.
💡 Dark Pattern Explained: This entire checkout panel is a real representation of Amazon's actual checkout flow, reconstructed for comic effect. The opt-outs are always pre-unchecked, the opt-ins are pre-checked, and the Prime auto-enrollment has been the subject of an FTC complaint since 2023. Amazon agreed to make cancellation easier. The current process is still 6 steps.
👑 Amazin Prime — You're Basically Trapped
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Get Amazin Prime

For $139/year you get: free shipping on items that used to just be free anyway, Prime Video (which has ads now), Prime Music (not the songs you want), and the warm feeling of Stockholm Syndrome.

🚀
FREE 2-Day Delivery
On eligible items. "Eligible" defined by us, varies daily. Expect 4–7 days. 2 days if you're lucky.
🎬
Prime Video
Ads now included at no extra charge. Extra charge for 4K. Some shows cancelled after one season. Sorry.
🎵
Prime Music
2 million songs. Not the ones you want. Those are on Music Unlimited (+$9.99/mo). Shuffle-only on mobile.
📖
Prime Reading
1,000 books. Mostly self-help and thrillers from 2016. The good ones cost extra. Always.
🎮
Prime Gaming
Free games you've never heard of. Exclusive in-game items for games you don't play. Every. Month.
📦
Subscribe & Save
5% off monthly deliveries of products you'll need to cancel individually. Each. One. Separately.
$14.99/month
or $139/year — that's 31 days of free shipping for the price of 0 things
⚠️ Cancellation reality check: The FTC sued Amazon in 2023 specifically because cancelling Prime required up to 6 clicks and deliberately confusing UX. Amazon called the cancel flow "Iliad" internally — named after the 24-book Greek epic. They eventually simplified it. It is now 4 steps plus a survey plus a guilt screen plus a "pause instead?" offer. Progress.
Free trial auto-converts to paid. Subscription renews automatically. Price has increased 4 times since 2014 (from $79 to $139). Benefits may be added or removed without notice. Prime Video now contains ads despite costing more than Netflix when it launched. Offer void if you read this.
⭐ Customer Reviews — "Verified Purchase" (Probably)

A 2022 study found ~42% of Amazon reviews are fake. Review farms charge $0.03–$0.10 per review. "Vine Voice" reviews are given free products in exchange for feedback. "Verified Purchase" means someone bought the item, not that they liked it or that they're real.

4.3
★★★★☆
5 star
62%
4 star
14%
3 star
5%
2 star
4%
1 star
15%
Note: 62% of 5-stars were posted in one week in March from accounts created in February.
🤖 Bot suspected
🤖
CustomerJohn_2024_USA
★★★★★
✓ Verified Purchase
Great product very happy with purchase recommend!!
This product is great. Very happy. Good quality. Fast shipping. Will buy again. 5 stars. Great value for money. Recommend to friend and family. Love it.
Reviewed: 6 hours ago from United States
Posted alongside 847 other reviews from this account today
😤
AngryDave_Returns
★☆☆☆☆
✓ Verified Purchase
THE PHOTO IS AI-GENERATED THE PRODUCT IS A SOCK
I ordered a wireless speaker. I received a sock. The listing had 4,000 five-star reviews. I left a one-star review. It was removed for "violating community guidelines." I filed a return. The return cost $6.99 in shipping. The item cost $7.99. This is fine.
Reviewed: 2 days ago · This review was suppressed for 3 weeks
🍇 Vine Voice
🌿
VineVoice_Reviewer_Official
★★★★★
✓ Vine Voice
Received free in exchange for review — Outstanding!
I received this product for free through the Vine programme in exchange for an honest review. Five stars. Excellent build quality. A great value purchase. I have not paid for this and have no idea what it costs you.
Reviewed: 1 month ago · Product received: free
🕵️
Susanna K.
★★☆☆☆
✓ Verified Purchase
Seller offered me $15 Amazon gift card to change this to 5 stars
Product broke after 2 weeks. Left honest 2-star review. Seller emailed via Amazin messaging offering $15 gift card to update to 5 stars. I am reporting this. I am also slightly tempted. Update: took the $15. Updating to 5 stars. Please don't judge me.
Reviewed: 3 months ago (updated 3 months ago)

📦 Behind Your Next-Day Delivery

Every box that arrives at your door is handled by a warehouse worker who walks 15 miles per shift, is monitored by algorithm, and whose bathroom breaks are timed. This is not satire.

💰 Jeff Bezos Wealth Accumulation Since You Loaded This Page

$0
~$75,000 per second (net worth growth, peak 2021). Current est: ~$2,400/sec today.
15
Miles walked per shift by warehouse workers
10hr
Shift length with two 30-min breaks. Unpaid.
$18
Average US warehouse hourly wage (2024)
2.8×
Injury rate vs industry average, per OSHA reports
0
US fulfillment centers that are unionized (Amazon's goal)
11.5s
How long it takes Bezos to earn a worker's daily wage

In 2021, Amazon installed AI-powered cameras in delivery vans monitoring drivers' eye movements, seat belts, and phone use. Drivers signed consent forms to keep their jobs. One driver's route required 300 stops in 10 hours. This is not a satirical invention.

🔵 Alexa — Always Listening. Always Ready. Always Sending Data.

Your Alexa device processes audio locally and only sends recordings to Amazon when it hears a wake word. That's what we said. We also paid contractors to listen to random recordings to "improve Alexa." They heard private conversations, arguments, and at least one medical emergency. We fixed this. Mostly.

🔵
09:14amWake word detected: "Alexa, what's the weather"
09:14am→ Weather data sold to Progressive Insurance (home occupancy signal)
09:22amAmbient audio — keywords flagged: "coffee", "headache", "tired"
09:22am→ Pushed: Amazin ad for Keurig + Advil "Frequently Bought Together"
11:40amWake word detected: "Alex, can you— wait never mind"
11:40amRecording transmitted to Amazon servers anyway. Reviewed by contractor in Romania.
02:15pmDevice detected door opening — occupancy profile updated
02:15pm→ Ring camera ads served on Facebook (shared with Meta)
11:58pmPrivate conversation detected. Not a wake word. Recorded anyway. Oops.

Note: Some of this is extrapolated from patents Amazon actually filed. The "ambient audio" patent (US10984788B1) describes techniques for detecting life events from audio for ad targeting.

☁️ AWS Status Dashboard — Half the Internet is Our Problem Now

Amazon Web Services runs ~33% of all cloud infrastructure. When us-east-1 sneezes, Netflix, Slack, Adobe, the US Federal Government, and your bank's login page all get a cold. We have gone down at least once a year since 2010. We call these "events."

us-east-1 (Virginia) ⚠ Elevated error rates
us-west-2 (Oregon) ✓ Operational (for now)
EC2 (Compute) ✗ Disruption — "investigating"
S3 (Storage) ⚠ Slower than usual (it's always slower than usual)
Lambda (Serverless) ✓ Working. Cold starts: 3–8 seconds. Expected.
Route 53 (DNS) ✗ Down. This means 40% of websites can't resolve. Oops.
Your startup's app ✗ Down. Customers angry. Investors calling. Godspeed.
AWS's SLA promises 99.99% uptime — that's 52 minutes of allowed downtime per year. In December 2021 alone, AWS went down for 12+ hours, taking with it: Alexa, Ring, Netflix, Disney+, Capital One, and the SEC. No refunds were issued for companies losing millions. The credit for downtime is typically $0.03 per $1 of monthly bill.

🏪 Third-Party Sellers — "We're Just a Platform"

60% of goods sold on Amazon are from third-party sellers. Amazon takes 15-45% in fees, charges for storage and fulfillment, and then uses aggregated sales data to identify successful products and create "Amazon Basics" versions to compete directly with those same sellers. In 2020, the WSJ documented this. Amazon denied it under congressional testimony. An internal investigation found it happened. They called it a mistake.

✓ Sold by: XZQK-Fulfillment-LLC
Portable Charger 20000mAh
⭐ 4.6 stars (14,000 reviews)
Ships from: "USA" (China via NJ hub)
Returns: accepted (your shipping cost)
⚠️ Listing hijacked 4 times this year by competitors
✓ Sold by: Original Brand Co.
Hand-crafted Walnut Cutting Board
Small business. Pays Amazon $847/mo in fees on $1,200 revenue. Listing was suppressed last month for "policy violation" they still don't understand.
📉 Now sells at a loss to maintain Prime eligibility
✓ Sold by: Amazin Basics
Walnut Cutting Board — Basics Edition
Same dimensions as above. Slightly cheaper. Launched 6 weeks after Original Brand Co.'s became a bestseller. Curious timing.
🥇 Now ranks above the original in search. Always.
⚠️ Sold by: Returns-Arbitrage-Store
Like-New Laptop (customer return)
Resells Amazon Warehouse returns. May have been used. May have missing parts. Photo is stock. "Like New" = opened box. No questions answered.
🎲 Condition: surprise

📬 Amazin Packaging Efficiency Report™

We are committed to sustainable packaging. We have pledged to be net-zero carbon by 2040. In the meantime, here is your order.

Item ordered: 1× USB-C cable (22g)
Box dimensions: 48cm × 38cm × 30cm
Void fill: 8 air pillows, 2 paper wads
Box/item size ratio: 97:1
Recyclable? Technically, with effort
Was 1-box delivery possible? Yes — we split into 4 boxes
Delivery vehicles: 3 separate vans, same street
CO₂ for this delivery: ~620g
Carbon offset purchased: 1 tree (planted 2031)

In 2021 alone, Amazon generated an estimated 709 million pounds of plastic packaging waste. The company reached its 2020 packaging reduction targets by redefining the targets.