🌟 INTRODUCING THE FUTURE OF TOMORROW, TODAY™ 🌟

iPhoné 99

Pro Ultra Super Max Plus (Titanium Edition)‡

"The most courageous phone we've ever had the courage to courageously make."

📱

NEW!
SAME
THING

*Starting price. Shown price requires trade-in of a kidney (left or right) and 48-month financing through Appel Credit™ (18.9% APR).
Price does not include charger, box, phone, or phone functionality.

Our Amazing Products™

NEW!!

💻

MacBook Aïr

"So thin you might lose it (not covered under warranty)"

Was: $4,999

$3,299***

M4 Chip (same as M3, but confidence)
18-hour battery life†
Comes in 4 shades of grey
No ports (ports are for cowards)
Dongle sold separately ($89)
Dongle adapter sold separately ($49)

HOT!!

🎧

AïrPods Ultra

"Hear things you weren't supposed to hear"

Was: $799

$549*

Noise cancellation (also cancels music)
30-min battery (charges in 3 hours)
Falls out during light breeze
Case not included
Left earbud sold separately
Compatible with Appel devices only¹

⌚

iWatch Series 47

"Tells time (subscription required after 30 days)"

Was: $999

$699****

Heart rate monitor (accuracy: ±40bpm)
Sleep tracking (keeps you awake)
New watch face: it's slightly rounder
Band sold separately ($89)
Charger now USB-C (your old one: obsolete)
Battery dies during ECG

BOLD!!

🖥️

Mac Prö

"For professionals who want to feel professional"

Was: $12,000

$9,999*****

Wheels: $699 (optional, highly recommended)
Screen: $6,000 (sold separately)
Stand: $1,500 (holds the screen up, mostly)
RAM upgrades cost more than your car
Cheese grater aesthetic is intentional
Require contractor to move

🥽

Vision Prö

"A spatial computer you can wear (and nothing else)"

Was: $8,000

$3,499*

2-hour battery (external battery pack included)
Compatible with 4 apps
Divorce not included
Cannot be worn with glasses
Cannot be worn with contacts
Cannot be worn while seeing

CLASSIC

🧲

MagSafe Pro Max

"Attaches to your phone. Detaches from your wallet."

Was: $200

$149**

Charges at a blazing 15W*
Magnets (very strong, very round)
Compatible with our last charger? No.
Does not charge iPad
Does not charge MacBook
Sometimes charges floor

iPhoné 99 Tech Specs™

Feature	Spec
Display	6.7" Super Ultra Retina ProMotion XDR (the letters mean things) †
Chip	A19 Bionic (same as A18, but bionic-er)
Camera	200MP main, 50MP ultrawide, 12MP selfie, 1MP macro (we ran out of budget)
Battery	"All-day" *
Charging	USB-C (the cable is sold separately. The port is also sold separately.)
Storage	256GB starts at $1,299. 512GB: $1,499. 1TB: $1,699. 1TB + soul: $1,999.
5G	Yes ‡
Headphone Jack	lol no
Color Options	Black. Black (Darker). Black (with a hint of grey). Special Edition Beige (it's also black).
In The Box	Phone. Stickers. Pamphlet telling you to buy AppleCare.
AppleCare+++ Price	$13.99/month or $12,999 if you pay upfront somehow
Water Resistance	IP68 §

* "All-day" defined as any day lasting 6–8 hours depending on whether you breathe near the device. † Display measurements include rounded corners and the Dynamic Island which takes up 40% of screen. ‡ 5G available in select areas (one area, in South Korea, on Tuesdays). § Water resistance applies only to light drizzle when device is not turned on. IP68 rating measured in a lab using non-water liquid. Warranty does not cover water damage. ¹ Compatible with Appel devices manufactured after 2019 and before 2021 with exceptions. Not compatible with your specific device. Full compatibility list requires purchase of compatibility checker app ($4.99/month). By reading this fine print you agree to our arbitration clause and forfeit the right to complain on social media.

What Real Customers™ Are Saying

★★★★★

"Changed my life. Before I had this phone I had friends and a savings account. Now I have neither but my photos are very crisp."

— definitely_real_person_2024 ✅ Verified Purchase

★★★★★

"I don't know what M4 chip means but the man at the store said it was important. I believe him. Five stars."

— GaryFromAccounting ✅ Verified Purchase

★★★★★

"Came in 14 colors. I bought all 14. My family is concerned. The colors are slightly different. Worth it."

— ColorEnthusiast99 ✅ Verified Purchase

★☆☆☆☆

"Screen broke when I looked at it wrong. Repair cost more than my—" [Review removed for violating Community Guidelines]

— [name redacted] ❌ Review Disputed